Agent Sassy

I was in the car on the way to work this morning listening to the radio and the morning show was on an article that came out recently on feminine skills. The article suggests that women are becoming less and less capable of succeeding at their feminine duties such as roasting chicken, sewing, and ironing. The DJs seemed to be taking this article a little far. I understand that it seems pretty pejorative but after reading the article I think it’s a fair depiction.

First of all the article isn’t suggesting women “should” be doing these things, what it is saying is that women are busier these days than in the 20s. Women are taking on different roles outside the home and therefore don’t have the time to learn how or do some of these things. Women also are enjoying having more discretionary income and are more than happy to pay someone to mend their trousers or even to just buy new ones.

Secondly, if you’ll notice the article begins by saying that men are also derelict in their man duties as well. Studies are showing that men are actually much more comfortable changing a diaper than changing a tire these days. This suggests to me that the intent of this article isn’t to highlight the lacking of today’s women but more a report on the changing capabilities of women. Yes, women are more likely to be unable to do certain things that women could do 80 years ago but we are also more likely to be the main breadwinner in a two parent home or be CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. So while we may have lost some of these skills, we have gained new ones.

Same goes for men. Eighty years ago the typical man would not have been caught dead looking at a dirty diaper, let alone changing one or, think about this one, being a stay at home dad! Times are changing. I know some can argue that this change is less than desirable but some people just don’t like change. It seems to me that the same men and women I’m referencing eighty years ago were drastically different from the men and women one hundred eighty years ago. It’s not good or bad, it just is.

Go To Official “Magic Relationship Words” Site

I mentioned that there are a few key “therapy” things I use with my family and friends. I thought I’d share a few of them. If you aren’t already using them, you should be. They can get you a long way towards what you want.

“Tell me more about that.” This can really strengthen a relationship, especially a new one. When your partner mentions something that’s important to them, asking them to tell you more builds trust and intimacy. It helps you bond as a couple and opens more opportunity to share and learn about each other.

“What makes you feel that way?” Especially when your partner says something you don’t agree with, knowing the reasoning behind it is important. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that context is key. If you don’t know the context of something, you don’t really know it. Not to mention, maybe they have reasoning behind it you’ve never thought about before, leading you to have a change in understanding as well.

“I’ve never thought of it that way.” A follow up (but not necessarily) of “What makes you feel that way?” You are telling your partner that you hear them. What they just said is important to you and makes you think. It says you respect their opinion even if you don’t agree with it and gives your partner permission to share with you no matter what the topic.

“That must have been upsetting for you.” You are giving compassion without taking a side. Note to self: before you use this one, be pretty darn sure they are upset or you’ll start a whole new issue. When someone is venting at you, what they are saying upsets them. When you try to get on their bandwagon with something like, “what a jerk” you are taking a side and run the risk of taking the wrong one. Maybe the person isn’t a jerk, maybe it’s your partners best friend and just had a bad day. By calling them a jerk you risk your partner putting up defenses and creating a totally separate argument…much the same one as using this phrase with the wrong timing.

“How did ___ go?” Be sure to remember the events that are important to your partner. Always bring them back up later. You are telling them you were listening when they mentioned it and that what they were doing is important to you. This is huge especially for women. Try not to let them bring it up before you ask…it’s like throwing away brownie points!

It’s amazing the things that simple statements and questions can do to further a relational bond. Use them. You’ll be amazed at how they take a surface conversation to something that builds a deeper bond or creates trust. Letting your partner know you are listening gives them the perception that you can be trusted and should be trusted. They will remember that next time and will be more likely to share things with you.

Go To Official “Secrets Of Blissful Relationships” Site

I think I had a “Cobbler and his shoes” moment last night. You know the type…I’m a relationship expert yet sometimes even I have moments in my relationships I’m not so proud of. Relationships are so different even when you are the common factor. Just because you are capable of having one kind of relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you will be able to replicate that relationship with someone else. Typically in a relationship I’m pretty agreeable. I have demands, but nothing I don’t offer in return. I want to be loved, respected, and a priority. I much prefer talking through situations than anyone getting angry or unreasonable. If something happens, just say so and we can talk through it.

Last night, I made what I thought was a compassionate statement, followed by a question showing concern. The response I got completely floored me. Now that I’m on the other side of this situation, I understand how what I said could have been perceived in a negative light. In my world, what I said was something that I would enjoy hearing from someone else. I would have viewed it as care and compassion. This guy understood it as me being a therapist…guilty.

I will admit, a significant part of me is informed by being a therapist. I’m not perfect in any way but I do deal with my family and friends in a completely different manner than I did before I became a therapist. I’d be crazy if I didn’t use some of what I learned to better my relationships outside the therapy room. All that said, I do understand that people don’t want to be dealt with like clients when they aren’t. It was never my intention to treat this situation like a therapist. Honestly, I never would have said what I said to a client so I maintain that I wasn’t being a therapist but nevertheless, this was how my comment was understood.

So while I’m trying to clean up the mess I’ve made, I’m thinking, “wow, how did we get from caring and compassion to he’s yelling and swearing at me?” I’m really unsure how that came about to be honest. I still don’t know. Regardless of how this came about, we were there. I was stuck. A person who would rather be told they did something wrong and talk about it doesn’t deal well with someone going completely crazy on them. This is where I became the therapist. I dealt with him in exactly the same manner I would have a seriously agitated client…oddly enough, he didn’t have issue with that and calmed rather quickly. Ironic how his fear of something brought him exactly what he was scared of and he didn’t even notice.

Anyway, my point with this is that relationships can be hard sometimes. They are often really tough. You are putting two people with completely different understandings together and creating a whole. Sometimes it will be difficult to differentiate the two halves of that whole and other times it is difficult to get the two halves together again…even when you are a relationship expert. Just keep in mind what you like about the other person. Remember you chose them for a reason. Also know your deal breakers and as hard as it is, when that deal breaking event happens, break it off. Don’t compromise your happiness for the comfort of the relationship you’re in.

Go To Official “Magic Relationship Words” Site

Guys often fear it, women tend to push for it…do you know your commitment status? This can be a hard talk to have. It’s important to do it in the right way. There are a few key elements you want to think about before you have the talk with your partner.

Often it’s the woman who brings up this topic but it’s not unheard of for the man to be the one to fall hard and fast and want to bring it up first. There’s always the option to just wait for your partner to bring it up. In some relationships that would be the best way to go. Other times, why not share how you feel with your partner? Just do it with your partner in mind. Everyone is different, just like every relationship is different so these are just guidelines. Take what you think will fit with you and your partner and disregard the rest.

The first and seemingly obvious thing you want to think about before having this chat is to know what you want. I know at times this is such an obvious factor but you would be surprised how many people want to have this conversation just to see where it goes. This is a nice thought but often that won’t get you anywhere. So, know where you want to go with the relationship. Know the goal you have for the end of the conversation and make sure the goal is realistic. If you’ve only been dating for a couple months, think twice before you suggest a move in date.

I know it’s tempting to have this conversation just before, during or after sex, sometimes it could work but timing of this is important so think it through before you just do it. Ladies, please don’t bring up commitment during the game…it’s just not going to end well. Also, try to avoid places your partner may feel trapped or tied down like a car ride or romantic dinner. Bring it up while you are spending quality time together or doing something you enjoy like when you are hanging around the house cooking dinner together or are out for ice cream after a movie you both really enjoyed. You’ll feel more connected then and the conversation is more likely end on a positive note.

When wanting to have this conversation, be sure to choose your words wisely. Please don’t open up the conversation with “I want to talk”, “we need to talk”, or “what do you want from our relationship.” Try something like, “I really love being around you, I want to get to know you more and I was hoping you might be interested in being exclusive.” It’s always a good idea to start out with a compliment or telling them how you feel. Remember, you are the one starting this conversation, you have thought it through and are bringing it up. They may be a little surprised by it so ease them into it and be sure you are the first to be vulnerable so they don’t feel cornered.

Above all, have fun! If this isn’t a person you can have this conversation with without creating issue, you shouldn’t be having it. Butterflies are normal especially if it’s someone you really like a lot. Being scared to start a fight isn’t a good plan. Think about doing something different…like finding someone you can talk to.

Go To Official “50 Secrets Of Blissful Relationships” Site